The street is not meant for living

January 31, 2012 By

I love the movie the Blindside!

After I finished watching it I couldn’t help myself from wondering about Michael Oher’s life as a kid. I wondered what Michael and his 13 siblings defined as normal. Michael was from the poorest part of Memphis, he never knew his father. While Michael was in high school (months after the fact) he discovered that his dad was murdered. His mother, Denise Oher, was addicted to crack cocaine, and abandoned her children while Michael was too young to remember. Michael attended 11 schools in just nine years. If he wasn’t lucky enough to live in a foster home, he lived with friends. Michael was homeless.

I asked myself what the movie would have been like if it highlighted the years that Michael spent in and out of foster homes. Would the backdrop of highways and speeding cars and the 13 kids walking along the curb, struggling to find food and shelter have made it to the theatres? Would we buy a ticket to watch what those kids went through at the hands of their crack-addicted mother? It was much easier and enjoyable to watch Michael’s story from the point he was rescued that cold night.

In the United States alone, there are estimates that approximately 3.5 million people are homeless and 1.35 million of them are children, and that number grows each day. It doesn’t take a math wizard to calculate that one third of the homeless population are kids! Homelessness effects teens in many different ways. According to the National Coalition for the Homeless, fifty percent of homeless teens ages 16 and older, never finish high school. Many assimilate to the their surroundings and end up using drugs, which eventually leads to addiction as a means of coping. Theses homeless teens lack food and clothing, are in need of basic life essentials, require medical and dental treatment which they have no hope of receiving. These teens lack the one thing most human’s desire – stability.

Many teens living on the streets are homeless because they made the choice to run away from home. According to the National Runaway Switchboard, “Every day between 1.3 and 2.8 million runaway and homeless youth live on the streets of America. One out of every seven children will run away from home before the age of 18.” Unlike Michael Oher, who found himself homeless due to circumstances beyond his control, an overwhelming forty seven percent of these kids report conflict at home as the primary reason for leaving.

Now I need to ask the question, is life at home worse than life on the street? Is conforming to the rules of your parents so difficult that eating out of dumpsters, sleeping on sewer grates and begging for money to buy drugs, to cope with the hell you find yourself in, that much better? Yes, running away is a solution to the problem, but it doesn’t come without creating more problems.

The fact is our society has entirely too many teens living on the streets of America. Thousands of today’s teens are homeless. The autonomy today’s teens and tweens have become accustom to while living in their parents home, can only continue to be enjoyed as long as they follow the rules of their parents. I can assure you the choice to be homeless is the wrong choice, and though some kids did not opt to call the streets their home, others of have and will.

 

** Read more information about Jeff Yalden by visiting www.JeffYalden.com, www.JeffYaldenBlog.com, or by continuing to stay on www.JeffYaldenLifeCoaching.com.  Jeff is one of the most sought after teen motivational speakers in America today.  Thanks for reading Jeff Yalden blogs and his work with education, teens, high school, and middle school teens.  Contact Jeff today for speaking at your high school assembly, middle school assembly, or teen leadership youth conference.

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Show me the Benjamin’s Baby . . . Teens and Money!

January 4, 2012 By

I recently asked a group of high school students what they needed money for? After all, most teenagers live in their parents homes, eat their meals for free, have no utility bills, and often times are provided medical benefits through their parents employer. After digging deeper I realized that the bigger issues were, what were teenagers attitudes and expectations regarding money, how did they view themselves as consumers and how do they spend the money they have?

According to Charles Schwab’s report, “2011 Teens and Money Survey,” the following information was reported.

 

Recession

93% of teens said their families were affected by the recession, and 80% believe the recession is not over yet. Because there is a new awareness brought about by the recession teens reported a greater appreciation for what they have and have learned the value of having enough money saved for emergency situations. That being said there are still 4% that believe that they should spend everything they have cause you never know what tomorrow will bring…Oh to be young again!

Money Beliefs and Expectations

This is a topic that reminded me of the naïve nature of a teen. When asked, “what do you think your families average household income is?” Most teens believed it was around $70,000 while in reality it was closer to $50,000 (reported by US Census bureau 2009). Most believed that they would earn $73,000 as a starting salary and after a few years of hard work within their career would be making closer to $150,000. Keep in mind the motivator for choosing a career was not money (15%) rather being passionate about the work they will do (65%).

Saving Spending and Borrowing

An overwhelming 77% of teens asked considered themselves “super savers,” while 23% identified with being “BIG spenders.” This statistic makes me smile from ear to ear. Knowing that the annual average amount earned by a teenager age 16-18 is $1631.00, and the average amount spent per week is $18.50 ($962.00/year), that leaves only $669.00/year available for saving or big spending! Remember perception is not always reality.

84% of teens own a cell phone

76% own an I pod or like MP3 player

66% have their own laptop

46% own their own TV

27% have a car

Boys vs. Girls

Sadly, teens believe that men have greater earning potential then their female counterparts. It seems that no matter how society has tried to level the playing field between the two genders, the future, regarding equality in earning potential, will continue to mirror the past and present.

Boys expect to earn $79,700 as their starting salary while girls expect to earn $66,200. The average salary boys expect to be making after establishing themselves in their career is $162,300 and girls is $126,500. Some could easily argue that this is not a gender issue rather that girls are more realistic than their male counterparts (me being one of them)! Boys reported earning more money annually $1880 than girls $1372, as well as knowing more than girls how to invest it (23% vs 13%).

Sometimes my curiosity gets the better of me and other times I get better because of it, I hope you do too.

 

 

 

 

 

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Are you busy or are you productive

January 4, 2012 By

I know you have a lot going on.  You know what?  We all do, but some of us are just making too many excuses about how busy we really are.  From teenagers to parents, teachers and coaches, to business professionals, we all have commitments and tasks that need to be done and addressed immediately.  But my question is, “Are you busy or are you productive?”

The common denominator between being busy and being productive is TIME MANAGEMENT!  Are you good with your time?  From the moment you wake up in the morning to the moment you go to bed at night.  Do you write down things you have to complete today, tomorrow, this week, this month?  Here is what I am talking about but before I explain my point, I want to address social media.

A lot of our time is taken up by facebook, twitter, youtube, email, etc.  Think about when you are just hanging out and a text comes in.  You stop immediately what you are doing and you address the text to see who it is and normally you respond and then you go back to hanging out.  Sometimes, we feel that we have to set aside time to just hang out because when we just hang out we find ourselves busy answering and responding to text messages.  Then, facebook, which can be a whole different issue.  How much time do you think you spend on facebook?  How much time are you looking at other people’s status’?  Probably too much time.  Set aside a certain amount of time in the morning to update facebook, check messages, and respond to people.  Set aside a certain amount of time at lunch or in the evening.  Your phone and computer doesn’t have to rule your life.  I promise, life will still move forward if you don’t staus update that you didn’t status update.  Be more productive and less busy and live a more fulfilling life.

So, here is my thoughts:

At night write it down on paper what you need to do.  During the day, go through your list of things needed to accomplish and go through them till them are completed and ready to mail off, turn in, etc.  Morning time comes and you are ready.  Make the three hardest phone calls first thing before 9am.  I promise that once you start addressing these tasks you are going to feel a sense of accomplishment and success and you’ll want to go through the rest too.  The next night you have to write that list again and scratch off the accomplishment, but add new to do’s.  This is life.  The list is rarely empty and when it is you can relax and take a day off.

With the smart phone you can keep a running tally right on your phone in notepad so you don’t look like you are not technically savvy.  You also won’t look like an idiot walking around with a to do list.  Keep it on the phone and stay organized and nobody knows you have a list.  This is responsible behavior too.

Now, when you are crossing off tasks and adding new ones and flying through this you are being productive.  When you just fly by the seat of your pants you don’t accomplish much and you always complain you are busy.  We are all busy, but few of us know how to stay productive.

Be productive and get more done. Be more successful.

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Jeff Yalden is one of the top teen motivational speakers and teen life coaches in all of North America.  Contact Jeff today for speaking engagements or teen and family life coaching.

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Refuse to accept behaviors that hurt

January 2, 2012 By

Children who feel powerless may use verbal abuse towards their parents, they lash out in an attempt to gain more control. These teens simply do not possess the life skills necessary to deal with their frustration, disappointment or conflicts in an appropriate manner. A child’s lack of social problem-solving skills occurs for several reasons among which are, diagnosed and undiagnosed learning disabilities, family chaos, or individual temperament. As a result of their predisposition and/or environment, these kids become overwhelmed by their emotions. If they don’t have the tools to deal with these uncomfortable feelings, they resort to name-calling, threats and verbal abuse of those around them.

In my opinion, also learn to threaten their parents because they are exposed to this type of behavior in so many aspects of our culture. In our society, power is the immediate solution for many of the problems people encounter on a daily basis. Movies, music, video games, politics and pro sports glorify aggression and the use of power to intimidate in order to reach one’s own personal goals. Preteens and adolescents are without doubt the most vulnerable to cultural messages, and the entertainment business knows this! The messages they are getting imply that if you’re weak, if you’re alone, you are a loser.

When we raise our children, we sign a lifetime contract to be their teachers, even in our weakest moments they’re learning from us, whether or not we recognize or not. Some parents fail to realize that their child’s defiance develops over time, starting at a very early age. Some parents will respond to early developmental defiance by lowering their expectations. These parents unknowingly place less responsibility on their child, placing the burden back on them. They wind up picking up his dirty clothes every day and picking up his books and toys, rather than dealing with their child’s resistance, excuses and thinking errors.  In some cases this overcompensation by parents is harmless, but there are certain children who observe that their parents have changed the rules and lowered their expectations due to their fears when encountering  their child’s resistance. These are the children who learn early on, “If I throw a tantrum and scream at my mother and father, I’m going to get my way.” These kids, manipulate the outcome by throwing more frequent tantrums, and using other inappropriate behaviors to solve their social problems.

Very early in life, children have to learn to deal with the word “NO.” They have to learn the feelings of frustration or anger that are triggered when they hear it, being told “no” is a social problem that they have to solve. Most children develop the skills needed to manage their feelings when they’re denied something at an early age. Parents that succumb to a child whom uses verbal abuse to get what they want, teach that child that he can have power over them through inappropriate behavior. While this life lesson occurs, there’s a parallel process in which the parents are learning, as well. That lesson is, “If the child is given into, he stops his or her tantrum and stops acting out.” For most parents, stopping the acting out is important because its embarrassing and frustrating. And so the parents are taught by the child that if they do what he wants, things will get easier, and if they don’t hold him accountable. Parents learn to tolerate more inappropriate, acting-out behavior from the child, thus raising their tolerance for deviance. The result of these two events which occur separately, but simultaneous, build on each other and form the child’s way of dealing with life’s problems. Keep in mind that no matter what it is that prevents your child from learning how to solve problems—the result is inappropriate behavior, which comes in the form of verbal abuse, physical intimidation and eventually assault.

As parents it is your job to teach your children the necessary problem-solving skills and refuse to accept tantrums, screaming, yelling and name-calling. Verbal abuse and intimidation as a means of coping with their problems is unacceptable and should not be tolerated.  In all reality, adults with rage management issues were not born that way!

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Jeff Yalden is one of the top Teen and Family Life Coaches in America today.  Jeff routinely speaks at high school and middle school assemblies about Character and Life Lessons.  Since 1992, Jeff Yalden has been the most requested Teen Motivational Speaker in all of North America.  As a teen life coach, Jeff has an office on Cape Cod, Massachusetts and helps families come together as one.  For more information, please contact www.JeffYalden.com or www.JeffYaldenLifeCoaching.com.

 

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Accountability… it’s not just for breakfast

December 30, 2011 By

Teenagers seem to want way more than they will ever need. In addition to their material possessions they yearn for more privileges, and thus more freedom. The problem is that although they may desire more independence they have not always done the leg work to EARN it. Failure to take care of daily responsibilities and a lack of appreciation for what they already have, is reason enough for parents to say NO. According to Lindsey Tischart, a counselor at New Leaf Academy of Oregon, there are three essential components that result in cultivating responsibility in adolescents.

1. Internal motivation

2. The teen’s ability to respond

3. The parent’s ability to hold their child accountable.

Responsibility is defined as “The state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something.” Tischart explains, “although young children may make good decisions simply because they were told to, older children and teens must eventually learn to make the right choice because they want to.” It is this process that in time will lead to a teen to being able to decipher right from wrong and make their decisions accordingly.

Parents can aid in the process by holding their kids accountable. One of the hardest things for any parent to do is to watch their child make the wrong choice, thereby creating a negative outcome or “uncomfortable” consequence. As Tsichart shares, “Teens need motivation to change their behaviors, and discomfort can be a powerful motivator.” Parents, you were a teenager once, and you can identify with the frustration of being told NO! You once thought the world was going to end when your mom or dad refused to cave in when you really wanted something, so remember your kids are no different… HOLD the line! You may be surprised at your child’s willingness to accept your answer…eventually.

“No parent wants their child to experience hardship,” said Tischart. “But since discomfort is a reality of life, we have to equip teens with the problem-solving, critical thinking and coping skills to figure out how to get what they want and become functional members of their families and society.”
It is possible for parents to provide guidance, as well as validate their child’s feelings without enabling them or assuming their responsibilities when life gets a little rocky and unpredictable. “The potential for responsibility and irresponsibility exists in every teen,” warned Tischart. “The key is to reward responsible behaviors and let teens experience the natural consequences of their irresponsible behaviors.” As teens face and overcome challenges in their lives, they develop motivation to build on their successes and the self-esteem to set new goals.

In order to be responsible, teens need to learn how to respond to challenges, like I preach “take time to think.” Tischart states, “a lot of teens think chaos and dysfunction are normal, and respond emotionally to challenging situations,” she explained. “It’s up to parents to model mindfulness in the way they respond to their teens by staying cool, calm and collected even in tough times.”

In order to hold teens accountable, Tischart asks parents to examine their own behavior and allow room for changing your thoughts and habits. Ask yourself, do your child’s successes validate your ability to parent? Is your identity tied up in having others depend on you?” If these questions raise problems, you may need to focus on building your own sense of self, independent of your child.

“One way to build accountability is to allow teens’ failures to be their failures and their successes to be their successes,” said Tischart. “By giving them credit for both, parents create an opportunity to learn and grow.”

Failure is inevitable at times, but it shouldn’t prevent teens from trying. “Every child that learns to walk runs into some obstacles at some point,” said Tischart. “With practice and guidance from their parents, they learn to avoid hazards and get around with ease. Although the obstacles are more complex in adolescence, the principles are the same.”

As with all things practice makes perfect. Start with baby steps and work towards a full sprint!

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Jeff Yalden is one of the most sought after Teen Motivational Speakers in all of North America.  A Teen Life Coach and Youth Speaker, Jeff Yalden makes his living working with teens and families.  From Cape Cod, MA . . . If you are interested in Jeff Yalden working with your teens, please contact Jeff at www.JeffYalden.com or by visiting www.JeffYaldenLifeCoaching.com.

 

 

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Family is the reason for the season

December 11, 2011 By

The hustle and bustle of the holiday season is upon us. Having just celebrated Thanksgiving with family I decided that it was appropriate to share some thoughts on the importance of family, not just during the Holiday Season, but as a gift we receive each and every day (whether we want to or not).

Establishing a strong family identity gives our kids a sense of belonging and stability. It is the appreciation for ones family that parents instill in their kids that provides them the foundation needed to become confident, independent, and moral teens. The family unit is a child’s first “pack,” and as parents it is our job to satisfy our child’s intense animal urge to belong—to feel accepted by others.

The stronger and earlier the family identity is created within our children, the more comfortable they will be with who they are later. Our kids will grow up recognizing that they are a unique part of a whole, which accepts them as they are. This is critical to developing a child’s decision making abilities, using their faith of what is known to be right rather than succumbing to peer pressure, the media, or other outside influences that tease them into believing something else is right.

Family traditions, whether they accompany the holidays or not, are something that our kids come to expect and anticipate with good feelings. For years we have been reminded of the importance of family dinners. The dinner table provides an open forum where stories are told, questions are asked and answered and kids express themselves freely as individuals and members of the family.

A strong family identity is like a coat of armor that protects our kids from the cold, harsh world that exists beyond the boundary of our lot lines. It protects them from outside influences that could possibly weaken their idea of self, rob them of their self- esteem, and discourage their efforts to bounce back from their failures. Most importantly a strong family identity will protect kids, from all that could sabotage their need to believe in their own inner voice and the power that it holds! In addition teens will benefit by being able to make choices because they are right rather than being influenced by peer approval and acceptance.

So when you are out shopping for the perfect gift for your kids, think about wrapping up their family identity and all the bells and whistles that are sold separately, and putting it all in a big box under the tree. It’s the gift that just keeps giving!

 

** Jeff Yalden is one of the top Teen Life Coaches and Teen Motivational Speakers in all of North America.  For information on hiring Jeff Yalden to speak to your teens school, leadership conference, or to hire Jeff as a Teen Life Coach, please visit www.JeffYaldenLifeCoaching.com or www.JeffYalden.com.

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