Jeff Yalden SADD Conference

On June 1, 2012 in Scranton, Pennsylvania, Teen and Youth Motivational Speaker, Jeff Yalden will be speaking to the Pennsylvania SADD Students for the second year in a row.  The phone call came in today, “Jeff, our staff and students loved you so much, we’d like to invite you back again.”

Last year, Jeff was invited to speak and the event was an amazing success.  Jeff “Wowed” the audience with his timely message, “About Life” and gave the students a lot to think about.  Over the past 20 years, Jeff Yalden has addressed numerous SADD Programs throughout the country including the National SADD Conference, State, and Regional SADD events.  Jeff is excited to be coming back and speaking at the PA SADD Conference in Scranton, PA.

For more information on youth motivational speaker, Jeff Yalden, please visit www.JeffYalden.com.

Youth Motivational Speaker - Jeff Yalden

Schadenfreude- is pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others. (Heider, 1958).

Wounded pride especially among teenagers is a very dangerous thing. It’s dangerous because it doesn’t take long for wounded pride to evolve to resentment, which turns into anger, which left alone to fester turns into self-righteousness. A teen in the state of self-righteousness, tends to take pleasure, rather than feel empathy, for someone else’s misfortunes. In general, people feel envious of others when they notice a quality or achievement possessed by someone else and realize that it is something they want for themselves, but are unable to for any number of reasons. For some teens, especially those lacking self-confidence, it can be very pleasing when someone other than themselves struggles.

Put schadenfreude in the school cafegymetorium and let’s watch it work. The newly elected prom queen slips and falls and breaks her nose. She is a very pretty girl and most guys would love to be her date at the prom. The kids sitting at the table furthest in the corner, but closest to the bathrooms hunch over their lunches and giggle at the prom queen splayed on the tile floor. Ah Schadenfreude!

I ask myself why this type of thing has become the norm, especially in high school, and now even middle school. There was a time when an incident like this would have resulted in someone lending a hand and seeking the help of a grown up. Now-a-days the prom queen must face weeks of ridicule, and months of inside jokes as she attempts to live down the accident that lead to the wad of gauze stuffed in her bloodied nose.

Why is it that when the misfortunes of someone else, makes some of us feel better, rather than worse? As an adult I cringe when something like this happens. I get a sick feeling in my gut and race to provide support. I sometimes make fun of those making fun (counterproductive and immature I know) in an attempt to restore balance.

Do we grow out of schadenfreude? Is it a temporary condition only affecting teens? The answer is no, it gets worse with age. Adults compete for jobs, positions in society, and even in sports. When those rewarded with promotion, victory or money for the same efforts of ourselves we still fall back on old behavior. Our adult wounded pride evolves in the face of our efforts and we become resentful, eventually get angry, and inevitably are left feeling self-righteous. Further down the line the guy that got everything while we got nothing, loses his job, gets arthritis, and is arrested for drunk driving, and we pump our fists saying, “Karma.”

It is our duty and responsibility as parents and young adults to avoid schadenfreude like the plague. Without offending Germans I suggest it stay in Germany. I will make a commitment to rejoice in someone else’s good fortune. I will lead by example!

Teen Expert Jeff Yalden

I might like to try it. I think I’ll try a bite. I have never tried that but someday I might! What if I try it and I don’t like it? When a teenager says they just want to try something, it is a casual and non-committal attempt at success. You can try a new food or a new activity, but when you take on something on a more personal level, just trying is an unhealthy and unsatisfying approach to a new experience that will lead to a predictable outcome.

When you try something, there is no guaranty of mastery, or satisfaction. Lots of kids try bad things or reckless things or even dangerous things, but a growing number refuse to try new things. For most high school students there is security in only trying something, as opposed to actually doing something. Among most teens an attempt to try something is usually short lived. Laughing off failure is easier, especially when you decide to try, to try out for the school play. When you try something, you know there is a good chance it’s not going to work. If you truly believe something is going to work, you don’t try it, you do it. You don’t try marriage, you get married.

Just trying something gives teens the illusion that they are taking a risk or engaging in risky behavior. Ultimately, this sort of illusion leads to acceptance among teen peers. After all, you are taking action, but you are hedging the risk. You don’t have to beat yourself up or face ridicule if it doesn’t work out. Trying rather than doing gives most teenagers an easy way out or a free fall from grace.

Just trying something can be worse that not doing anything at all. When you half-ass something and it doesn’t work out, it confirms your belief that it wasn’t possible to begin with. Unfortunately, when the result of a teenager’s lame attempt to try something new yields a positive result, it only means that the true potential of what was possible was never realized, because the initial effort was minimalized.

Doing something is different. Saying you are going to do something is a commitment. “I’m going to learn to play the piano” is a much more powerful statement than “I’m going to try to learn how to play the piano.” If you fail, you might feel like a bit of a loser. Doing something is risky. Doing something requires motivation, hard work and focus. Doing something gives you confidence to take on other things. The more you do, the less you’ll want to just try.

“Loyalty”, defined or described as one who is faithful, steadfast and true to someone or something else, but refuses to be silent when they feel that somebody or something is in the wrong.

The overall concept of loyalty can be confusing to teens that are learning to deal and identify their own feelings in and out of relationships for the first time. Teens often times struggle to speak up out of fear of being disloyal. The same feelings and concerns surface when they find themselves disagreeing with the culture of their school or community, and especially those in leadership positions. Adults have learned through personal experience that speaking up and being true to one’s virtues does indeed show loyalty. Relationships on the whole require loyalty in order to work, and being true and supportive are required components of one’s loyalty.

In the event that one’s loyalty falls into question, friendships and relationships are compromised for both children and adults. Unfortunately the breech of one’s loyalty, is not and act that can easily be repaired. A recent study in the journal Child Development, highlighting the fact that when loyalty is breached in friendships, pre-teen girls are not better equipped than boys when it comes to managing friendships, (previous research suggesting otherwise). The study also suggests that when more serious violations of a friendship occur, children struggle more. In fact, both girls and boys claimed that they would seek revenge, verbally attack, or threaten divulging a secret if a transgression occurred. Girls also reported more sadness and anger when presented with the breach of loyalty scenarios. This may be due to high standards in friendships.

For most people they would suggest that loyalty is a core value. During teen years, it takes on a huge importance. In smaller more intimate speaking engagements where I am speaking at a high school assembly, where role playing can be achieved, I have play acted the following scenario;

Jeff as a teen: “If I tell you a secret, do you promise not to tell anyone?”

Audience member: “Of course.”

Jeff as a teen: “At night when everyone else is sleeping, I sneak out and vandalize people’s houses and tonight I’m going to hit yours.”

As I walk away the audience member is left standing there and on most occasions screams, “What?” or “Wait a minute.” The lesson to this short skit and in real life situations in general is that “loyalty is a moral value that is totally dependent on the value of the subject and the direction it takes.”

I recommend that your personal loyalty include these three components

1. Be loyal to someone’s well-being. If you choose to act without consideration to what you know to be ethical you can expect that I will oppose you. If you hurt someone expect me to let the authorities know.

2. Be loyal to the highest values of oneself. Be in tune with what you know to be right and if asked to go against your values, you will be expected to say NO.

3. Be loyal to your understanding of self-respect. Never be disloyal to yourself. If someone’s behavior forces you to choose between your relationship with them and your self-respect, be prepared to leave the relationship.

I will be loyal to all of you. I will continue to find ways to learn about the issues that affect you and provide you insight on how to manage them. Although you may not know me that well, I can assure you that when I was a teenager I was still learning about self-respect. As an adult I am learning to respect not only other people in my life but the opinions of those people no matter how much they vary from mine. As we grow older, we get wiser!

** Jeff Yalden is considered the most popular Teen Motivational Speaker in America.  He speaks at high school assemblies, middle school assemblies, teen leadership conferences, and freshman orientations for college.  His message is about life, character, choices, respect, etc.  Visit Jeff Yalden at www.JeffYalden.com or www.JeffYaldenBlog.com.

Parents who cringe over their teenagers’ musical preferences is an issue as old as pop culture itself. Ever since the musical antics of Elvis Presley and Jerry Lee Lewis or for some the British invasion, surveys and studies have made efforts to establish how and if music impacts teen audiences.  Parents and other members of society have an on-going concern to the desensitization that teen listeners may have gained especially toward violence. Much of today’s music has a common antisocial thread, which some argue over time has had a negative impact on its listeners, while others argue that it is an identifiable expected by-product of teen rebellion.

When considering popular media forms, only TV has a comparable degree of teen loyalty, according to the University of Iowa 2003 study on the subject. Grade schooler’s were most likely to identify TV as the top entertainment choice, a phenomenon that changes noticeably by the middle school years. Male and female listening habits are noticeably different and according to the study, teen males use music for emotional stimulation, while females look for reinforcement of an existing mood.

In both past and present generations, a great deal of concern regarding music’s effect on teenagers stems from violent or suggestive musical and lyrical content aimed in their direction. The most famous example of the popular concern by parents with regard to music came about in 1985, when the PMRC, forced the record industry to adopt a labeling system for albums that contained questionable content. In 2012 we now are able to easily identify songs and albums as being tailored for an adult audience when the red word “explicit” should happen to appear.

Desensitization to violence and antisocial behavior has been one outcome associated with a teen’s musical choices. Several studies have shown an increase in reckless, impulsive behaviors displayed in teens enjoying heavy metal music, whose lyrics at times describe the world in dark often times depressive terms. The Iowa University study cautions, that such lyrics may have little impact on teens without pre-existing mental conditions, but it also clearly identified that more research on the subject was needed to establish a definitive conclusion.

Most of you have heard about the Columbine school massacre of 1999, a tragedy that occurred in a Colorado school, where terrorist-like actions of a few destroyed the lives of many. When looking to identify the cause of the student’s behaviors, wide spread debates flared regarding violence in popular music. Industrial rocker, Marilyn Manson’s musical collections were common to both gunmen’s’ music libraries. Critics were and still remain concerned that the archaic 1980′s labeling system has very little impact both because most albums appear without warning stickers, and anyone can buy them, regardless of content.

One point is often missed in all the culture wars over teen music  and that is that it may not be the music that is the issue, rather that there may be extreme consequences for young people who lack the skills to cope with academic, family and personal problems. For many music is the doctor and for me the motivation and the muse as well.

One of the most frustrating things for educators and parents alike is knowing that their student or child has failed to reach their potential. Unfortunately, this happens a lot and has become an expected outcome in the classroom for not just teenagers but tweens as well. Not only is it frustrating, but it is painful for all parties actively involved in the process of educating and parenting kids… but is especially difficult when it is your own child.

As parents it may be difficult to identify the issue, but you realize that there is something that is not quite right with your tween or teenage child. You may have noticed that your child’s grades do not reflect what their test scores indicate they are capable of achieving. Or, that you were not aware that your kid had a secret passion not being shown in school, for example, that he or she loves the guitar or making pottery, but is barely passing Art class and refuses to attend weekly guitar lessons..

Although it pains me to suggest this but perhaps your child is concerned that getting good grades isn’t cool, or is concerned that his or her friends will bail on them if they show their true talents or natural aptitude. As you can imagine this becomes very problematic when you the parent, or teacher are trying to convince your student otherwise. Sometimes students choose to hide in order to avoid special treatment that would call attention to his or her, true potential. Student’s who are struggling with the fear of success, often times are concerned that if they made an effort to break out of their comfort zone and “go for it,” they may fail in the process. If you are able to identify of why your child has a fear of doing well, you might have an easier time trying to solve the puzzle. Unfortunately, if asked directly, most tweens and teens may not be able to give you an honest answer, even if they want to. For most kids it is easier to stay where you are, secure in your comfort zone, rather than to overcome fear and implement change.

I am not a psychologist (but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night), I am a teen and youth motivational speaker, and teen life coach , but as a parent and coach, I have had success using a rewards system when motivating or inspiring teens and tweens. The trick with the reward system is that it has to be realistic. It would be unrealistic for your child who currently has C’s and D’s on his report card to achieve straight A’s. A more realistic goal would be to offer a reward if your child achieved a 3.0 with no grade lower than a C. That way you have provided your kid some much needed wiggle room. In this scenario it would be possible for your child to get a D in math, but his other grades may be high enough to reach the 3.0 you offered as an incentive for his reward. It is key that you identify a motivational bulls eye for your child to focus his efforts on in order to successfully use a reward system.

On the upside once your child graduates from high school, then college can be a great place for teenagers who have suffered from a fear of success in high school to break out of their comfort zones. College is both the time and the place for young adults to reinvent themselves and not worry about old behaviors that held them back. It is a chance for teenagers to start fresh and make a new life.

I call it the “F” word!  Failure is inevitable.  Yet, we tip toe around it like it is the boogie man, hiding in dark corners of our lives, waiting to pop out and “get us” when we least expect it. There is nothing pleasant about failure, but despite our dislike for it, we will all be faced with the obstacles it creates in our lives whether we like it or not. It has been my experience that having the necessary tools to cope with failure at a young age helps teenagers and young adults have the much needed confidence and resilience when they encounter challenges and stumbling blocks.

The fact that failure is unavoidable doesn’t make it any more appetizing. The good news is that when consumed frequently in little bites over the course of a child’s life, failure won’t choke growth and development, and mistakes can be much more easily swallowed. Some teenagers are more sensitive to making mistakes than others. A child may make a few BIG mistakes or a bunch of  little ones throughout their teenage years. Although it’s difficult to watch your child experience the effects of their mistakes, I assure you that this is not a BAD thing!

Trying to remedy the situation or fix your child’s pain is the worst thing a parent or loved one can do. Here is the deal… Parents, YOU cannot fix your kid’s problems, or they will NOT  learn the lesson. Eventually teenagers become young adults and must rely on their experiences good and bad to maneuver through life. If parents opt to ease life’s mistakes for their children, the same mistakes and behaviors will continue and when these kids are forced to recover on their own they will not have the ability to do so.

While your teen may be determined to avoid failure, it is important to remind them that this is not the ideal. Avoiding all of the uncomfortable emotions surrounding failure will not help your teen. It is how teens learn to deal with failure and turn it around that will help them gain the knowledge that is required to grow into an adult. One of the hardest lessons teens must learn is how to recover from adversity. This means that teens and tweens have to take some hard knocks as they mature, and as their parents you need to provide loose enough boundaries to allow failure without reacting in an effort to save your kid.

I think Nike may have said it best, “Just Do It.” Don’t fall into the trap of allowing your kid to put up obstacles to procrastinate and hide the pain of rejection. The truth is that kids have a better chance of acceptance if they just take action. Show your child that you will always be there for them in other ways. Outward expression of the fact that you have faith in them and that you trust your child to make decisions for themselves goes a long way. Make an effort to back off and allow your child the freedom to deal with the situations they find themselves in. By doing so, you are letting your teenager know that you trust their ability to deal with the problem at hand. Building your child’s confidence, no matter how painful it is for you in the moment, is a key component to overcoming the fear of failure.

Most parents can identify with that angry feeling that swells in their gut when they realize their teen is lying to them. The pain in the pit of your belly intensifies when your child will simply not confess to the lie when caught. Many parents (including me) do not know how to react. If you are sure your child is lying it is critical to deal with the situation immediately by finding out why your teen feels compelled to be dishonest. You owe it to your child to openly share your feelings about the importance of trust and honest communication, and to make it clear to your child what the consequences are should your child choose to lie again.

Parents, if you have lied to your child in the past, you may have created a problem that might not otherwise be there. If there is one behavior that turns teens off, it is parents who are hypocrites. If kids observe their parents taking short cuts that defy their stated ethical values, they quickly absorb this information and ascertain that saying so is not always doing so. In no way am I suggesting that parents must be perfect, just consistent in what you say and what you do.

Here is a suggestion, rather than immediately lecturing your child about WHY lying is bad, first ASK them to explain why they thought lying was their first choice. Once you engage in a dialogue with your kid, you can then explain that lying is unacceptable, but if there is a reason why your child felt compelled to lie, you want to know it so you can possibly eliminate any misunderstandings. If your child has a reason for lying that might be removed through discussion and open communication, you remove that “excuse” in the future.

This is not just a parent issue but a teen issue as well. In particular, the ways that deception effects teens can either be obvious or can be subtle, but either way lies have a causal effect on everyone’s well-being. Teens must realize that it doesn’t take an abundance of lies, to become a prevaricator once you “get away” with it the first time. Soon lying becomes a habit that becomes difficult to break and truth becomes a concept you are so detached from that your reality becomes uncertain. Let’s not underestimate how stressful managing lies can be. Remembering what lie you told to whom, can wear you down and stress you out. Lying to your peers affects your ability to be trusted in the most important relationships you have at this stage of life. Simply put, tell the truth and resist the temptation to lie, your parents and friends will thank you.

You may find your child lied simply because they knew the behavior was wrong and they didn’t want to get caught. This will mean you need to let them know in very clear terms what behaviors are unacceptable and what the consequences will be, not only for repeating that behavior, but for lying about it. These are two separate events that will lead to separate sets of consequences.

Texting while driving… been there done that… know better but still do it! We all know the danger of texting while driving, yet we continue the behavior. Public service announcements, billboards, personal stories about the problems of teens texting while driving abound us. That being said, new research indicates that adults are just as guilty of fiddling with their phones while driving in their cars, not just sitting at red lights.

The report from Pew’s Internet and American Life Project discovered that 27% of adults text while driving which is equal to the amount of teens who said they do so in a similar Pew study conducted late last year. Teens you have the edge when you measure both sending and reading texts, as adults are both reading and typing texts behind the wheel 47% to 34% more than you.

Teens that drive may be listening. Teens are not the worst offenders when it comes to talking on their phones while behind the wheel. Parents are much bigger offenders when it comes to chatting on their cell phones while driving, an overwhelming 61% admit to doing so versus 43% of teens.  So what is the harm? On a micro level, 17% of adults admit to bumping into someone or something as a result of their cell phone usage. I personally am guilty of both being bumped and bumping! On a macro level the issue becomes more about how the behavior effects others, particluarily those unsuspecting victims.

Cell phone distraction causes 2,600 deaths and 330,000 injuries in the United   States every year, according to the Human Factors and   Ergonomics Society.

• About 6,000 deaths and a half a million injuries are caused by distracted drivers every year.
• While texting, drivers spend about 10 percent of the time outside the driving lane they’re supposed to be in.
• Talking on a cell phone while driving can make a young driver’s reaction time as slow as that of a 70-year-old.
• Answering a text takes away your attention for about five seconds. That is enough time to travel the length of a football field.

So we know that cell phones and driving don’t mix and are dangerous. We know that texting while driving  puts not only ourselves at risk but others as well. We know we can modify the behavior without much effort or personal sacrifice. We know that this is not just a teen issue, but one that’s impacting all of us as mobile usage continues to soar. The fcat is more laws can and will be put in place and advocacy campaigns will try to stop the behavior, but for the moment, it looks like a problem that’s not going away any time soon… unless we chose to become proactive, and  just agree to put the phone down while we drive?

Imagine being a teen mom at the age of 16 years old?  Would you drop out of school?  Who would watch the child?  Who would pay for the clothes?  Who would buy diapers?  Is the father in the picture?  Are you going to get married?  Those are real life issues and questions that need to be addressed, right?  Well, recently Jeff Yalden received an email from a teen mom who is still in school, but her two year old is celebrating a birthday three months from the date of the email and she wanted to know what to do.  Jeff gives his opinion in this video.

Jeff Yalden was a teen dad.  At the age of 41, Jeff says his greatest regret was not being a good enough dad.  At 18 years old and in the United States Marine Corps, Jeff didn’t listen to his father’s advice.  Rather, he made decision on his own that he thought was the best thing to do.  Now his daughters are 21 and 18 and are the most important parts of his life.  Jeff brings to teens the lessons he has learned through the failures and obstacles he learned growing up in a challenged environment.

** Jeff Yalden is America’s favorite Teen Expert, Teen Life Coach, and Youth Motivational Speaker.  Jeff addressed high school assemblies, middle school assemblies, and is often a keynote speaker at student leadership conferences throughout the country.  Since 1992, Jeff Yalden has impacted more teen audiences and school assemblies than any other speaker in the world.  Find out more about Jeff Yalden by visiting www.JeffYalden.com, www.JeffYaldenBlog.com, and www.JeffYaldenLifeCoaching.com.